On New Years Day I stumbled upon this quote at a Cuban Restaurant in Jersey City.  The food was “eh” but the quote struck my fancy.  So did my company; but that’s another tale for another day.  In case your eye sight is struggling: “Many times I feel like…I need to fly!!! But then…I forget…I don’t have wings!!! But there is something about it that I just can’t stop trying!!! Again….Again…And Again!!!”  The quote felt near and dear to my heart, so I needed to know more about it’s source: Duda Penteado.  I wondered who this “Duda” was as I ate my questionable food.

Google delivered the message: DUDA PENTEADO

I read through his biography and came across the reason for the serendipitous brunch moment.  My eyes landed on the quote to lead my mind to this one: “Philosophically, my mission as an artist is to empower and to create dialogue about difficult issues…A great artist has the ability to capture the imagination of future generations and say something of direct relevance to them…my art pieces are not an end in and of themselves, but a means of arriving at a fundamental human truth: the struggle of the carnal and the divine in our lives.”

When people ask me why I like acting and writing, I may just send them this.

While I’m still working on my “mission,” the word choice of Duda’s has been a beautiful kick in the ass towards the winning field goal.

I’m ready for my flight into 2012. Happy New Year folks.

So what did I do? I opened A.A. Milne’s “The House at Pooh Corner.” I bought it in Paris a few years ago, because I was obsessed with Winnie the Pooh growing up and couldn’t resist purchasing.

Just watch the Pooh Bear LOVE:

Chapter 1: Pooh was sad to find that Piglet wasn’t home and says, “…I shall have to go a fast Thinking Walk by myself…”

With that, I followed Pooh Bear’s lead and went on a thinking walk.  Really, any excuse to go on a Thinking Walk and wander and see what stirs…

Every day I push and push hoping to achieve something, when in fact, each day is an achievement in itself if seized.   I’ve done a lot this past year.  Sometimes it’s difficult to see the steps climbed while climbing.  Sometimes I feel like I’m in a hurry to get somewhere, but I’m not sure WHAT that “where” is.  When I’m over excited and want to DO too much to achieve WHATEVER it is I’m trying to achieve, the wise David Spaltro reminds me to take a look at the tracks I’ve left the past year, see the growth, slow down, and not to rush.

The most applicable Winnie-the-Pooh quote I stumbled upon was this: “Rivers know this: there is no hurry.  We shall get there some day.”

With that, I’ll say thanks to all who’ve inspired me thus far and I eagerly await what’s in store next.  But I’ll try not to fetch what’s next mistaking the future more rich than the present.

Ironically, I left that restaurant 6 months ago, and now find myself back there once a week.  In some ways, nothing has changed.

In other ways, it feels like a lifetime ago.

I hit “submit” with an overwhelming sense of fear.  “Find your voice,” “TRUST your voice,” have been what people have told me the past few years.  I’ve heard it in acting class, yoga class, life, etc.  “Find your own way to express light,” was my favorite wording.  How do you illuminate truth? What does that even mean?  My preoccupation with these questions mirrors my preoccupation with the concept of “story” and the power in telling stories.  We’re all living a story with the power to learn its lesson and the power to re-write the twists and turns.

Life offers us countless challenges to purify the soul.  It’s a battle, learning how to face situations without jumping to an emotional response.  But those challenges are gifts, without which we’d never grow and evolve.

An acupuncturist once told me to look over my days, each night.  See the day and how it played out, and ask yourself, “Have I gotten closer to myself or further from myself, today?”

Here I am a year later, and it’s Halloween season.  The difference is, I’ve been spending the last few days looking for someone else’s costume (oh the joys of part time, personal assistant gigs).  I haven’t been thinking of my own potential costume, or any ways to mask myself.

I’ve put my “voice” out there a number of ways this past year through song, a number of projects, a web series, and all the ways in which life required me to speak.   I could only attempt to have the best intention behind all.

Perhaps, I’ve gotten a little closer to myself this past year?  It’s a constant trek up the mountain, but with each step we have the choice to get a little closer.

190 calories? Uh, I’ve lost the “whoop” for the “whoopie.”

“Starbucks, why do you tempt, tease, and torment me?” There’s always room for alliteration.

This is what my mind said while I pined over red velvet whoopie morsels of delight, within those glass windows they set up next to the line.

The coffeehouse has to display the calories now (in certain states); a means of torture.  When I’m in a masochistic mood, I head to Starbucks to fall in love with some sweet and then be tormented by it’s calorie count.

The caloric intake and the shame after is merely a microcosm of an average day for the average person.  I happen to be one of those average people who tempt myself with activities, partake in them, tease myself about my behavior, and then torment myself with shame.  By “tease” I mean the process by which we over analyze the behavior sending our mind in all sorts of directions and end up with some horrific story we deem to be true.

Of course we can arrive in the opposite direction, as well, where it’s not so horrific in the “hellish” sense, but more so horrific because our heads are so far up in the clouds of heavenly bliss they might as well be up the ass. “…The rose looks fair, but fairer we it deem…”  Shakespeare continuously highlights the power of the imagination and the games it plays upon each and every one of us.  Sure things can seem fair and beautiful, but they become all the more so once our imagination gets to work. And then we’re f*cked.  Something has been put up on a self-created, unsustainable pedestal.

Put the teasing aside, unless there are feathers involved, and seize the moment without the raucous of the imagination.  Put the Whoop back in the Whoopie and return to your healthy diet next meal, without the shame of a guilty pleasure.  The little pie isn’t going to be quite as delicious as you imagine, and it’s not going to cause quite as much destruction as you imagine.

Can you read that? “Whoever invented morning sex…forgot about morning breath.”

If you are reading the “WHITNEY” advertisement wondering why I was so amused, focus on the tiny little scribble that says, “that’s why there’s doggy style.”  Not the most original joke.  But, I found it comical someone found their joke so worth sharing, they stopped, pulled a sharpie from their endless supply, and shared with the world.  Even more ridiculous was myself taking the time to stop and capture the nonsense.  A short story came to mind in which two complete strangers were brought together via adolescent-joke-billboard-scribbling.  There’s probably already a movie.

And THEN I received a text with this attached:

Again, the time and effort this took…getting that little dog, Gizmo, to dress in drag.  Effort went into creating this hilarious visual.

My friend sent me the picture, I laughed, and then I wondered if she were ever planning on wearing the suit again? IS that even her bathing suit in the first place? How TINY is she? She’s certainly been going to the gym a ton.  Or did she purchase her male dog a bikini to address his somewhat sexually ambiguous behavior?  I had so many questions.  My imagination was on fire.

Who would have thought in a single day, the term “Doggy Style” could represent a handful of possibilities and unleash a potential novella?

Sparks of inspiration are within reach always.  It’s just a matter of time before finding the connection between it ALL.  With a slight effort to provide a chuckle with the text picture, my friend connected with the sharpie stranger via my laugh and association.  It’s a web of connectivity.  Choose wisely how you wish to connect.

I just returned from a family vacation with my parents and brother, celebrating the 30 years my Mom and Dad have been married.  They officially celebrated their 30^th anniversary in August.  We visited London and Paris with day trips escaping both cities, enjoying the rural landscapes, and seeing a broader scope of the country outside the bustling city walls.

One such day trip took us to the English county of Wiltshire.  My Dad insisted on seeing Stonehenge.  As intriguing as the famous site is with the mystery it entails, the two of us had already seen it 2003, when my college roommate and I tagged along with him on a business trip to England.  We participated in the same 12 hr. day trip back then.  It took 12 hours of driving in circles to get to Stonehenge and back in 2003, and it took 12 hours of driving this time around (with the city of Bathe in between, which is where I’d now like to retire).  So, while most of the Brits I’ve asked have never been to Stonehenge, I’ve spent a whopping 24 hours on the site.  An entire day of my life was spent on a landmark that’s famous for having little explanation and killer solstice festivals.

“We are visiting a giant question mark,” – my half complaint.  “It looks like Giants were playing dominos, and that’s what we’re left with.  And it’s somehow connected to Venus.”

“But we are getting INSIDE the circle this time,” my dad explained, like a kid filled with the excitement of Christmas morning.

Let me just explain.

The “fence” that keeps visitors outside the inner circle is a rope that’s strung together on sticks, THAT COMES UP TO MY SHINS (maybe ankles). I’ve seen more challenging hurdles in my day.  I could literally skip into the inner circle if it weren’t for the security guards.

Alas, we arrived at sunset.  It was beautiful.  We were in the middle of nowhere and since we were there after hours, there were only about 15 of us.  Let’s be honest, who the hell else is traveling 12 hours from London to drive in circles to visit a giant stone circle?  It’s a cyclical cycle of torment and car sickness.  I JOKE, I joke.

Standing in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of an inexplicable stone configuration, was a marvelous experience.  Miles away from everything, within a literal mystery, enjoying a breathtaking sunset, I was reminded how small we all are.  Life is a wondrous mystery with or without giant stones as a reminder.  BUT, it was nice having one.  Breathtaking moments are around every corner when we’re open to the divine mystery within all.

The “fences” we perceive, may momentarily keep us from enjoying the wondrous mystery, until we realize the mysterious supreme is omnipresent .  Inside or outside the “circle,” we’re all within the same giant circle.  With time, the fences become mere rope boundaries that can simply be walked over given the right timing and circumstances, or perhaps, perseverance.

I recently ended something with someone (keeping it cryptic) and found myself in a yoga class where the teacher was going on and on about getting rid of unnecessary things and people, “…clearing the mind and heart clutter.”  Naturally, I concluded she was talking directly to me.

It’s impossible to allow room for the new, when we hold on to the old.  It’s like clearing one’s closet.  Do I really need my high school basketball shoes? No.  Why I am holding on to them?  The memories.  The memories will last with or without those bball kicks, but those kicks are taking up room in the closet where perfectly NON-embarrassing, more attractive shoes could go.

Out with the old, in with the new.

We make it far more difficult than need be, out of fear of letting go.  If we observed our lives from a detached place, we’d see so clearly which items, people, etc. we benefit from, and which merely take up space.  It gets complicated when we infuse things with an imaginary life of memories and mental fabrications.   Ah, how we love to do that!  Expectations, hopes, dreams, heartbreak, memories of that one perfect evening, and such.  None of which exist without our own projection.  People and things have no power without our magical ability to grant them such.

Clean out that closet, and come out a new person.  No pun intended.   Stripped from all the non-essentials, you may find new doors opened.  There’s finally some room to enter, for whatever’s been trying to enter!  I’m not just talking heinous clothing you bought in high school.  I’m talking people too.  Don’t hold on out of fear.  Life is short and time is precious, so keep company who inspires and brings out the best in you.  What’s the point of anything else?

It seems I’ve reached a transitional time in my life.  A recent discussion about life not being black and white has sparked a whirlpool of thoughts.

Yes, life is somewhere in the grey.  I fully believe in dancing upon the grey clouds and experiencing the various colors, shades, and hues life offers.  But to fully experience something, it requires diving whole-heartedly into one particular color at a time.  As my insightful friend Noopur said, “If everything is a shade of grey, you miss the beautiful details of life and people.”

Dancing along the surface allows dabbling and it’s necessary as a means of checking off which experiences you’d like to further explore.  At some point, however, the fleeting must cease and a standstill must ensue, in order to allow room for reflection and growth.

I’ve been reading “The Journey Home” (READ).  Radhanath Swami has traveled the world and met many spiritual masters at this point in the book.  He’s come to the conclusion he’s not going to reach enlightenment by experiencing a variety of religions and practices, but needs to pick one and follow through to the end.

My teacher told me this about two years ago when I was talking about reading everything under the sun from Kabala, to Yoga, to Christianity, to the esoteric practices of turn of the century mystics.  I had a theory that if I could learn EVERYTHING, the great answer would come to me.  In reality, the great answer is there to find, but you must truck along a particular path, persevere with patience, and follow through to the end.

I went to the batting cages last night.  It’s been about 4 years since I’ve hit a softball. It was like I hadn’t skipped a beat; I still have the same habits.  When the machine through a bad pitch, I watched it sail by without swinging.  With careful selection, I chose which balls to swing at.  When strikes came, I swung and hit.  Says a mouthful about the details we pursue and the habits we engrain.

Carefully select the details you choose to pursue, swing, and follow through.  Otherwise you’re just swinging haphazardly hoping to hit something.

Within each of us lives that enlightened spark and bliss.  It’s just more obviously visible in some.  There are many who have lost touch with it, many who doubt its existence, and a ton who just couldn’t give a sh*t about it and are too busy with life to seek it.  But it dwells within all of us.  Like a treasure chest, we have to dig, dig, and dig until we hit upon it, and then even more effort and work is required.

The person to your left and right, each have that spark.  You may be closer to the treasure chest, FOR NOW, but they could easily find another path, a short cut, some secret underground tunnel that leads them directly there!  You never know.  We all seek happiness and have the potential to become enlightened beings.

The externals are mirrors.  They are ways of learning.  Relationships we are deeply invested in (family, friends, lovers, business) serve as learning tools.  The people we’ve chosen to invest ourselves in serve us by mirroring an aspect of ourselves.

Sometimes the most tumultuous relationships are the ones we learn most from.  With that said, there’s no room for judgment.  Everyone’s heading towards the same destination, and there are many roads that lead there.

Take a look at your relationships, especially the tumultuous ones and the people you’ve judged here and there.  Instead of thinking you’re holier than them, for whatever reason pops into head, thank them for acting as a guru in some way.  Perhaps the truth of the relationship will blossom and reveal itself in the future.

Reality is a funny thing.  It’s purely subjective.  My “favorite” song tends to change within minutes, and my ipod mix tends to sound like someone with a personality disorder.  People have used the word “eclectic” to kindly describe my mixes.  But these are songs I LOVE.

We all have our favorite songs.  These are songs that resonate with the individual.  If we all loved the same song, it being the BEST SONG would become a universal truth vs. the subjective truth for the individual.  It’s all a matter of how the song hits you, the unique individual.

Same goes for situations.

Flashback to last week’s dinner with my best friends: 9 girls from NJ…it’s going to get loud.

A man approached our table.  We all warmly greeted him with a smile, thinking he was coming to congratulate us on our beautiful friendship.  So wrong.

“In this restaurant we talk.  We don’t need to scream.”

So much for congratulating us on our long lasting, every growing friendship.  Yes, we were loud.  But the nine of us were scattered down a long table and wanted to catch up.   The reality of the situation was very different for us than it was to surrounding tables.

Obnoxious? Perhaps. But we walked away with smiles on our faces, and the disgruntled man left pissed.  He was disgruntled before, during, and after the meal.  We just helped facilitate his chosen state.

The view of a situation depends on the viewer’s perspective.  If we approach life with that in mind, the reality of the world is of our own choosing.  Yes, there are struggles, highs and lows, etc.  But with optimistic eyes, those hurdles can be looked at as opportunities and blessings brought upon us to force growth.

If life were a breeze, we’d all be tan, bored, and no more spiritually evolved than the day we were born.

Take a look at “reality” and see it’s no more fact than everything else constantly changing.  If you don’t like what you see, choose a new lighthouse to view from.