Pagan Whore (wink wink)

I started my day reading one of my favorite blogs (www.jonathanfields.com).  His writing really jumped out at my current mental state this morning, grabbed me by the shoulders, and shook me a bit into a ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’-like hair flip, mental head bang.   It was the jolt I needed to shock me out of fear.

In his post “Stop Resisting and Start Creating,” he says, “The best place for personal growth opportunities is where your fear resides.”  True story.  During my conservatory days, I found it was hard for me to be overtly sexual on stage.  I froze.  It was a vulnerability I wasn’t ‘in the mood’ to share with the audience.  Bullshit.  It was fear.  Of what? I do not know.  But my friend Ally talked me into taking pole-dancing classes at Sheila Kelly’s S Factor (http://www.sfactor.com).  I HATED it at first.  I felt uncomfortable, and I remember at one point feeling as though my arms were doing the backstroke during a lap dance sequence.  SO NOT sexy.  But really, who was creating the obstacle here? ME.  My fear, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, was causing rigidity in movement that should flow.  Two months later, still hating the class, I signed up for level 2.  Somewhere in Level 3, I felt my body finally start to ease into the movements and I vividly remember an ‘oh! THAT feels nice and easy’ moment.

I ended up taking class at S Factor for two years!  I cannot wait to return when my schedule permits.  The entire experience unleashed within me a ‘creature’ I was unaware of.  It was an awakening experience.  I started class thinking the music that would resonate most with my core and movement would fall somewhere around, Michael Bublé.  With great trust in opening up to my classmates on the same ‘erotic creature’ journey, and taking my fear by the hand and facing it head on, I realized it was songs like Marilyn Manson’s “The Dope Show” that opened me up within the S FACTOR walls, and then out in life.  I could walk into the class like Suzy-Sally- Sunshine, but I was free to dance like one angry biatch once the lights were off and the music turned on.  Plus, it’s one of the best workouts I’ve ever had.

Jonathan quotes Seth Godin in the beginning of the post.  “If you are deliberately trying to create a future that feels safe, you will willfully ignore the future that is likely.”  I was discussing my blog with a director friend of mine yesterday, David Spaltro.  He pointed out that there are times in my writing it seems a bit watered down.  Almost as if I’d stepped up to bat, swung half ass, and then wondering why I hit a single vs. a homerun.  It takes a lot of courage to follow through.  In writing these posts, it’s much easier to safely post stuff that’s somewhere in the middle so as to not offend anyone.  But in reality, you can never make everyone happy and strong responses are far better than a bunch of “eh.”

When I talk about pole dancing, spirituality, witchy stuff, etc., it’s part of my journey towards self-awareness.  In some ways I’m very conservative, while in other ways  “I’m open to a lot of things!”  It doesn’t mean I’m a “pagan whore” (thank you David Spaltro for the fabulous term).

One thought on “Pagan Whore (wink wink)

  1. He pointed out that there are times in my writing it seems a bit watered down. Almost as if I’d stepped up to bat, swung half ass, and then wondering why I hit a single vs. a homerun. It takes a lot of courage to follow through.

    B to the W

    BTTW

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