Searching for X

What does “Searching for X” mean JENNA?

As my friends have so stridently pointed out, the title could be mistaken for my adventures through New York City searching the streets for a certain drug. However, as Louie, one of the funny men I’m so privileged to be in improv class with at the moment said, “That seems like it’d be an easy search. I’m sure you could find ecstasy on any NYC corner, and then your blog would be done. X FOUND, period.”

So no, “Searching for X” has nothing to do with searching for ecstasy. It was just a variable chosen to make a point. I suppose I could have gone with “Y,” but then “Searching for Y” sounds like “why?” and that wasn’t what I was going for.

What do I mean by “Searching for X” then? Well, everyone seems to be looking for something, but no one knows what the eff they are looking for. Let’s look at the expression “X marks the spot.” In order to hit X with the arrow, you need to see the target. We can all run around with bows and arrows shooting at anything that moves. Superb. I’m sure you’ll hit something. But until you know what target you’re trying to hit, you can’t call the haphazard shot, a success.

What I’m interested in is what people consider “success,” because that is generally what people are looking for, whether it be in career, relationship, family, money, fame, education, etc. Very often when you ask someone what they consider “success,” it’ll fall somewhere under these categories. Very rarely, however, have I asked someone what they consider “success” and been answered with “happiness.”

I started thinking about this after reading Somerset Maugham’s “The Razor’s Edge.” In the last paragraph of the book, Maugham writes that after looking back upon the narrative, he realized he’d written a success story. Every character got what they wanted whether it be “social eminence” or “an assured position backed by a substantial fortune…” or “a steady and lucrative job, with an office to go to from nine till six every day,” or “security” and then of course one character was happy to find “death.” But there was only one character who found happiness, and that was what he clearly set out to find. He was specific about it, and did not confuse other pursuits as the means to happiness. Happiness was the means, and the end was happiness.

“Searching for X” is an exploration of happiness, and what it means to have THAT target it mind.

One thought on “Searching for X

  1. I think we can’t truly know what you’re looking for before you know what we are. Till then we are only making fools of ourselves.

    You can’t hit a target with an arrow before you at least know you’re an archer. Then you have to be a good enough archer. The archer isn’t an archer without being aware of the bow, arrow, and target.

    I think ultimately the archer will realize that hitting the thing he/she wants with an arrow is a poor and inarticulate substitute for what the archer really wants. The archer will realize archery is a brutal kind of self-expression that is beneath him/her. The archer will realize that all the various means of self-expression are poor substitutes for a solution to the mystery explored throughout history by mystics like Pythagoras, Socrates, Jenna, Plato and others.

    The archer will realize that even love is a poor but necessary substitute for the need to heal the wound caused by the rift of the big bang where first emerged the mystical duality of object/observed, when the union of that which is beyond and before the concept of 1 shattered into a schizophrenic madness. The archer will look at the arrows and wish they had always been “love” instead of weapons. The archer might wonder how he/she didn’t know all along that all he/she wanted to do, ever and always, was to heal that infinitely shattered soul.

    Then the archer will understand that this moment of forgetfulness has passed– that the archer was never really an archer at all, but something far more dangerous and far more vulnerable. The archer will not fully understand– from the quantum scale all the way out to the boundaries of the expanding universe, from star nurseries to homeless shelters– but appreciate how it took all that just to understand this tiny amount about who he/she is.

    Wow, I need to go write some jokes or something. I need to fire off some “zingers” at people. Maybe I’ll write a sketch.

    Honestly, after all that: ecstasy sounds pretty good. I mean with a name like that, how bad can it be? I can only hope it is as good as the blue pill in the matrix. Or was that the red pill? Uh-oh, which pill was that? I need to find out what trip I’m on, fast!

    What do you think?

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